"Don't get too cocky, kid!"

Out of all the papers, timed writes, blog posts we’ve had to write in class. I’ve chosen my community essay as one that needs the most revision. The community that I wanted to focus on was the gaming community since I’m very active in it. I was feeling pretty cocky about the paper, acting like a know-it-all about the gaming community. Since I was getting ahead of myself while writing the paper, I started to go off track writing the paper right after the introduction paragraph.

The whole objective of the paper was to describe the community aspect of a community, not to describe what the community was. Unfortunately, due to me being overexcited about a paper I want to write about, I put on the paper what I wanted to write about, not what the paper should be about. Although I had a thesis going, which were the similarities and differences between arcade gaming and console gaming, that thesis was just sitting there as the rest of the paper was just rambling about how the gaming community is involved with so many other things outside of gaming, other than talking about how both types of gaming has changed over the years.

There was one strength that I would like to point out was that I was able to proofread effectively, missing a few points on some things like quotations and citations. The paper looked like a clean and well written paper. The weaknesses present in the paper were practically everything. I couldn’t stay on topic, and I didn’t even follow the prompt. Another thing that I messed up on was quotations and how they just dropped in the paper, and seemed ill-fitted with the rest of the paragraph. The last things I messed up on were finishing sentences. After reading parts of my paper prior to writing this introduction, I noticed how many sentences were missing some words as well, making a lot of the paper not make sense. Here is an example where all of those weaknesses are present in one sentence.

Although arcade gamers and home console gamers are two different, both are basically in the same community, except both have slightly different values and beliefs of their own, and different ways of interacting with each other from meeting up with a group in a well known place, to communicating with fellow gamers of the internet.

My target with this revision is to make an introduction and conclusion that doesn't focus on the generalities of the gaming community, but community as a whole.

For my revision, I decided to completely change the thesis into something that fits the prompt, which was to compare and contrast a community that we have chosen from then to now, which was the gaming community. I also changed the conclusion paragraph that would seem more fitting to the introduction paragraph. Here is a snippet from the introduction after it has been revised:

Although arcade gamers and console gamers are two different groups of the gaming community, they are still involved with the gaming community, but have different values and beliefs when it comes to game play, and having social interaction with each other.

With those slight revisions, it seems like it flows more and is not cluttered. Unfortunately, I feel as though that the whole paper would take a week to revise since it’s unorganized, and poorly written and that just this simple introduction would not cover be able to cover all of the errors present in my paper.

Since my paper goes over the three page limit, I'll only be revising the introduction and one of the paragraphs. Please bear with me though, I think this paper is extremely terrible and little things can't fix it. The only solution to fix the paper is if I were to rewrite the paper.

The italicized parts are original pieces.